Don't mess with my Vinted reviews

As this is what happens.

An audio version is here for paying subscribers.

I take pride in all the ways I earn money. Even if that money was £1.50 earned on the Vinted app by washing, drying and ironing some clothing, taking several photos in great light with a decent background, writing a detailed description, uploading, answering questions, packaging the item and then the half-hour round trip to the newsagents to post it.

It’s like if Lord Alan Sugar were in charge of selling my son’s outgrown clothes. I bring my A game when only a W game is required.

And while the financial reward is paltry, I am luxuriating in the reviews. I have never been called great and lovely so many times in my life. If anyone who knew me read my reviews, they’d say, “Do you get someone else to do your Vinted for you?”

Some of the feedback is so nice that it’s better than any review I’ve had in my twenty-five-year media career and I want them read out at my funeral. And put on my headstone.

I even love it when I’m reviewed as a buyer, even though I don’t fully understand why this feature is necessary.

You don’t have to take my word for it. In what is probably a world first, I’ve made a word cloud of my reviews:

I haven’t got it printed on a t-shirt yet, but it’s just a matter of time.

My early Vinted days were not like this, though.

My first review was fine. I got five stars and a comment of ‘Great! Many thanks.’

They must’ve welcomed the fact that I used an old Jiffy bag to send the item and not, for example, a barely rinsed plastic mince container with clingfilm taped over the top. They must’ve liked that I didn’t photograph the clothing on a wrinkled, unmade bed. My A game was appreciated.

Then shortly after, came my second review. And it was devastating. It was like if Stephen Bartlett had got a nine-page character assassination in Forbes magazine. She’d given me a four-star rating. Four!

And this is what drives me mad. If the package was really late, or the clothes torn or stained with no warning, give me 0 stars. For anything else, it’s five stars. What does four stars even mean?

Luckily, I still had the review to read and shed some light.

I read it. She’d written: Good thanks.

This did not shed any light. It made things darker. I carried out a deep audit of the transaction. She’d bought the item in the evening and I’d posted it the very next morning. It was two pairs of dinosaur pyjamas in good condition. She got them for 75p each. Why just good? Why the four stars?

I had a look at her profile. Obviously. She had thirty-one 5 star reviews. So an overall rating of 5 stars. Whereas my overall rating was now just 4.5 stars.

I was furious. So I took the next logical step and messaged her.

Hi there! I’m new to Vinted, so I’m interested to know why you only gave me four stars, in order to improve. What were you not entirely happy with? Many thanks.

I waited to hear back. Nothing.

So what do you think I did next?

a) Nothing. Accepted the four stars and moved on.

b) Reviewed her as a buyer and gave her 0 stars.

c) Reviewed her as a buyer and gave her a passive-aggressive 4 stars.

It was C, of course. I gave her four stars. It was, and still is, her only four-star review.

But this wasn’t quite enough for me. I also added the comment: Good buyer! Thank you.

And if you think I’m petty, I want you to know that I did manage to stop myself from using all my Vinted profits to buy up her entire listing and then give a 0-star review for each item. Well done me.

Tell me…

• About petty, passive-aggressive reviewing.

• About the weirdest packaging you’ve received a Vinted or eBay item in.

• And about anything else to do with Vinted or four-star ratings.

See you in the comments!