I froze when my son was in danger

And my brain did a deeply weird thing.

An audio version is available here.

I’m not a perfect parent. I’ve lost my temper. I’ve been known to bribe with sweets. I’ve lied and said places he wants to go to are closed. But I’d always known to my core that if my son was in any danger I would leap immediately to save him. I’d be like one of these women who suddenly find the superhuman strength to lift a car off their trapped child. But this is not what happened.

Past experiences had indicated that I might not be great in an emergency. One Christmas, my partner Tom choked on a mangetout at a family meal. His mum and brother attempted the Heimlich manoeuvre while Tom gasped for breath, clutching at his throat. Eventually, his cousin, who looks like he could pull a lorry with his teeth, stood on a chair behind him and thrust it out. Meanwhile, I just stood there panicking about becoming a single parent and how he doesn’t have life insurance so I’ll have to get a lodger and I’m not great with sharing my space with others and what if she’s someone who goes to the toilet a lot in the night.

At one point, I weakly asked if I should call an ambulance but my phone was on charge somewhere so I probably wouldn’t have been able to find it in time.

Incidentally, for the entirety of this life-or-death drama, his auntie’s partner did not stop eating her dinner. She just carried on. That is someone calm in a crisis. Albeit as useless as me.

So I know I’m not one of life’s heroes. But what I’m about to tell you was a low even I didn’t anticipate. As well as it being one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me.