How many times you can ask someone to repeat themselves?
What to do when you just can't hear.
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I’m in a noisy bar with a group of friends. The music is so loud a friend has to talk directly into my ear. When she finishes she looks at me expectantly, awaiting the appropriate response. But I have no idea what she’s just said. I ask her to repeat herself and still don’t catch a word. So I painfully force myself to ask again and when I’m still no closer to understanding I feel I have no choice now but to guess.
Her face seems cheerful so I take a punt that she’s said something funny and laugh. She looks very surprised by my reaction. Understandably so as I eventually ascertain that her boyfriend had left her and I’d laughed in her face.
I wonder how many other times I’ve got it wrong and they didn’t question it and just felt terribly hurt. Luckily, I don’t go out anymore.
Asking someone to repeat themselves more than two or three times brings me so much anxiety. And I’m not alone. In a show for the Adrift podcast, it was voted the most socially anxious moment above mistakenly congratulating someone on their pregnancy and finding a work colleague in the room/tent/chalet next to yours on holiday.
In the past, I’ve pretended to be hard of hearing to try and excuse my auditory failings. I’ve basically faked a disability. But what else am I supposed to do? And how many times can you ask someone to repeat themselves before guessing or maybe just faking an emergency and leaving?
I go online for some answers. And there is very little help. I was hopeful when I found an article with the title, ‘The etiquette of asking someone to repeat themselves’, from Tatler magazine, so I’m sure the writers learned this kind of stuff at finishing school in Switzerland.
The focus is on what to say when you can’t hear, which I will summarise:
Saying “Pardon?”
Some think it’s de rigueur and others déclassé. A bit like matching sofas and armchairs. (Very much their example, not mine.)
Saying “What?”
“A velvety murmured ‘what’ is indeed rather alluring, particularly when paired with one of those sardonic little watery aristocratic smiles.” (Possibly the creepiest sentence I have ever read.)
Saying, “Sorry?”
Lightly humble.
Saying, “Could you repeat that?”
Too corporate.
Saying, “Excuse me?”
Too camp. (What?! (Not in a velvety murmour)).
Saying “Eh?”
Charming, if done with a comedy accent.
Saying, “Hm?”
Cosy and conspiratorial.
Quite the eye-opener. But the fact remains, in a whole article on this, there is nothing about how many times to ask. Do posh people have better hearing like they have better sardonic watery smiles?
I go back to Google and read Quora and Reddit, which are the only places this question has been posed.
The general consensus is that two or three times is the most you can ask and then after that one person suggests getting the speaker to write it down. Which I prefer to the alternative suggestion of just changing the subject.
The most interesting response was that you should ask for as much repetition as you want as the onus is on the speaker to be understood.
It had never occurred to me that this was not my problem or failure but theirs. It makes me wonder why I find this kind of situation so excruciating. Am I fearing annoying the inaudible speaker? Am I embarrassed by my inability to discern words? Because actually maybe they should speak more clearly.
I’ve got one last place to try for answers. The home of etiquette in the UK, Debrett’s. This is not an issue covered on their website although I do learn that in conversation it’s important to, “speak clearly as it’s maddening for people to have to ask you to repeat yourself.”
Once again, here is the suggestion that the listener is the irritated victim, not the speaker. But I realise that even when the roles are reversed and I’m being asked to repeat myself, I feel it’s my fault and I’m the annoying one.
I decide to email Debrett’s to try and get a definitive answer on what to do and how to feel. I’m not really expecting a response but within twenty minutes I get an email from Liz Wyse, an etiquette expert. I’m thrilled. (And also wondering how many requests for this kind of information they get.)
She starts by acknowledging that there has not much been written about this despite it being a common problem and then goes on to say,
As with many etiquette dilemmas, you will seem less rude if you ‘shoulder’ the blame. So, if you still don’t hear what someone is saying after asking them to repeat it once, I think it’s fine to ask again, but ameliorate the request by adding something like “I’m so sorry, I find it really hard to hear with all this background noise!” or “I do apologise – my hearing must be going downhill, I still didn’t hear what you said!”. Of course, you might not be hearing them because they’re muttering or speaking inaudibly, and not because you’re going slightly deaf, but it will ease the situation slightly.
As to how many times you can ask them to repeat themselves, there is no hard and fast rule. I would have thought in most circumstances you should stop after asking twice, but of course it’s situation-dependent and if you’re in a very noisy space, you could probably ask more times and share the exasperation.
I wouldn’t recommend pretending you’ve understood, if possible, as it’s generally fairly apparent that you haven’t heard, which is frustrating for the other person.
Liz is my new favourite human. Not only have I unknowingly been following the advice of an actual etiquette expert by pretending to be hard of hearing but she also agrees that it’s right to be the one at fault (or at least pretend to be).
I just need to stop pretending I’ve understood and I too could be an etiquette expert or pass for one of the upper classes in high society. I just need to spend an hour or two practising my sardonic little watery aristocratic smile.
Enough about me, what about you?
How many times do you think you can ask someone to repeat themselves?
Do you have any techniques to help in this situation?
Have you ever just gone for a guess and got it terribly wrong?
I'm an audiologist, so this is as close as real life comes to my specialist subject! Really, the rule should be that the person repeating should rephrase the sentence, rather than saying exactly the same thing again. There's probably one word in the sentence you miss because it has soft consonants or something, so changing the words used gives the listener a better chance. I'd also recommend musicians earplugs in really noisy places. Save your hearing and make hearing other people talking easier to distinguish in my experience. Sorry that's not a funny comment!
I've heard some pretty terrible stories of people smiling and nodding at inappropriate things. One person was smiling while someone was talking about their husband dying. People agreeing to things in medical appointments when they haven't heard the question is common too.
Try being a non-native speaker; people automatically assume you’re either deaf or, more likely, stupid. They go on to repeat in exactly the same muttered way(sometimes louder), and naturally you still can’t hear the beginning of the sentence, so the third time they just repeat the last few words (yes, the ones you did manage to catch first time) ve-ry slow-ly and LOUD-LY; it will never occur to them that it takes two to communicate