Being scared of falling asleep

And what I do to avoid that sensation.

An audio version is here for paying subscribers.

I once said to a friend, “You know that awful scary feeling of knowing you’re about to fall asleep…”

I thought I was saying something akin to, “You know when you open your eyes in the morning.”

It turns out I was not. And that this was not the universal reaction to falling asleep. That many, many people weren’t at all phased by the sensation of slipping off into a slumber.

I was stunned. I assumed that everybody hates that awful bridge between awake and asleep. When you’re about to fall into it but you’re still aware enough to know it’s happening. Sometimes it can feel like you’re physically falling and you jolt awake. (Called hypnagogic jerks. The name of my next band.) But usually, for me, it’s when my thoughts start to loosen and scramble. When I’m slipping away into what feels like insanity.

I can never give in to it. It makes me panic and wrench back to fully awake. I worry this means I’m going to be a nightmare on my deathbed. Everyone will start looking at their watches and eyeing my pillow with thoughts of suffocation.

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When you really think about it, it is weird that we sleep. That we shut down for a third of the day. It seems like a problem that needs to be solved. Like if we had cars or fridges or phones that only worked for a third of the time, some sharp minds would’ve sorted this years ago. It seems kind of pathetic that we do it.

There are some that sleep for the bare minimum. Like :

Trump (3-4 hours)

Tom Ford (3 hours)

Nikola Telsa (1.5 – 2 hours)

Leonardo da Vinci (20 minutes every four hours)

Thatcher (4-5 hours)

Napolean (4 hours)

Julius Caesar (3 hours)

So it seems this minimising of sleep has mixed success.

Because also there’s Einstein who would sleep for 10 hours a night and also take regular daytime naps. And this sounds kind of heavenly. As I enjoy being asleep, I don’t fear that part.  I don’t have somniphobia, nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea or Exploding Head Syndrome¹. I’ve only sleepwalked once. (I woke up in the shower washing my hair.) I just hate the place between awake and asleep.

So could they not sort it out so we have unihemispheric sleep like birds and dolphins? Where one side of the brain shuts down while the other keeps awake. I could then spend all night getting up to date with MAFS Australia and not waste any of my waking hours.

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Until then, here’s what I do to avoid this feeling of sleep beckoning me to the dark side. I have to completely shut down any free-flowing thoughts to avoid that moment of descent into nonsense. And I have three methods for this.

1. Put on a podcast with a sleep timer.

2. More recently I’ve started listening to audiobooks as there are now loads on Spotify if you pay for it.

3. Sometimes an audiobook and a podcast are too interesting for me to fall asleep. And if I wake in the night, I don’t want to wake anyone with them. This is when I bore myself to sleep with my own story. I have certain ones I’ve created, that through repetition send me nicely off to sleep. I am always the hero of these stories and they are not daydreams but nightdreams.

I’ll tell you my favourite ever one. It dates back to 2020 and around the time Boris Johnson was recovering from Covid. But I sometimes still use it updated with a new pandemic and prime minister.

It’s night time and I’m in bed. (This part doesn’t take a lot of imagination so it’s a good place to start.) There’s a gentle knock at the window. I peer behind the blind and see a man and a woman, both wearing suits and brandishing ID revealing their status as M15 agents. They look exactly like Matthew MacFadyen and Hermione Norris. (Who played spooks in Spooks. Another staggering failure of imagination effort.) They ask me to come to a car waiting on the street.

I sometimes detour here to wonder how convinced I’d be by their ID cards. As I don’t know what M15 ID looks like so how will I know it’s not a fake and I’m being tricked?

I throw on some clothes and creep outside. Before I get in the car, they spray me with a special fumigation spray. The back seat has a clear plastic partition down the middle. And on the other side is Boris Johnson. In perfect health.

I say, “But I thought you were at Chequers.”

He replies, “Yes, there’s been a little manipulation of the truth I’m afraid. For reasons I’ll come to. I’m going to ask you now to make a sacrifice for your country which will save millions of lives. But first I need to you sign the Official Secrets Act. Look inside the front pocket of the seat.”

I pull out a document and sign it without reading as that’s what I do with all documents.

He continues with, “We’ve discovered that there already is a Coronavirus vaccine and cure. But it is being held back for reasons that we’re currently unsure of. It’s in an extremely secure facility in Siberia. You’re probably wondering why we’re telling you this. Well, our best spooks have discovered that the facility has security like nothing we’ve ever seen before. Only one specially assigned person can enter and the door recognises their height, shape and weight and will only admit them. So to break in, we need someone with their exact measurements.”

He gives me a long serious stare.

“Using a special giant laser, we’ve scanned everyone in the country and you are one of only 58 with these same exact measurements. You may remember you did a fun online quiz recently. That was actually planted by us to check you had the mental skills for the job. You passed along with 8 others.  But you are the only one of these 8 that has already had Covid so we need you for the job.”

I’m sorry to tell you (as I’m sure you’re gripped) that I have never got past this bit as I’ve always fallen asleep by then. This is how well it works.

But without it, I’m in that land of half awake, half asleep, where I fear it’s only me that fears to tread.

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Enough about me, what about you?

Am I alone here? Is anyone else scared of the feeling of falling asleep?

Do you have nightdreams?

Can you finish my exciting nightdream for me?

Do you have any other techniques for falling asleep?

And tell me any unusual sleep habits you have. Maybe you follow the da Vinci method?

1. Exploding Head Syndrome is when you hallucinate a loud noise as you fall asleep.