I have no kissing identity (in texts and emails)

Should I do x or xx or xxx or none?

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Many years ago, I embarked on my one and only holiday romance. It was with a blonde bearded carpenter called Goran who wore sporty headbands like Björn Borg and drove a bright purple car. During the course of the holiday, I sent him a text with an ‘x’ at the end. Which received the puzzled response of, “What does that mean?”

It hadn’t ever occurred to me that this wasn’t a universal sign off so why do British people do it?

Like Morris dancing and stirrups, it dates back to the Middle Ages. An X at the bottom of documents and letters signified sincerity, faith and honesty. And I don’t have any of these so I should probably stop with the ‘x’ right now. They’d also physically kiss the letter, which I would actually like to see a reintroduction of.

I did read somewhere, that you shouldn’t add an ‘x’ to a message if you wouldn’t kiss that person in real life. Which is another reason for me to stop as I only kiss my six-year-old son and my dog and I’m not ever texting or emailing them.

But I don’t want to stop doing the kiss. I love them as they soften a message. I can hastily write any reply with no regard to coldness of tone and add a kiss and they know all is well. If they were eradicated I’d live my life in paranoia that everybody hated me.

What I want is to have some kind of kissing identity. It feels like everyone else knows who they are in this regard. They know they are a one-kiss person, or they always do two or three or they are one of the crazy ones who do about five. Just like some identify as Manchester United fans, cat owners, or lovers of Prosecco. Instead, I usually just mirror whatever has been given to me. Unless they’ve done more than three and then I can’t quite bring myself to display that much love.

The big problem is if I’m the first to message a person I’ve not previously corresponded with. If it’s a stranger or a work thing, obviously it’s a no-kiss situation. I’m not insane. But with everyone else, I start with one and then see how it goes. And then if they come back with more, I match myself to them.

I have friends who range vastly in their multiples of x and I love them all equally but just give them exactly what they gave me back. My mum and dad do two kisses but my mother-in-law does three. While I adore my mother-in-love, I love my parents more but am I dissing her if I just send two? And are people still saying ‘dissing’?

It doesn’t help that some people are very inconsistent with their ‘x’s. They vary between none and three, sometimes in the course of a short conversation. So I have to do the same.

A big question here is what actually is the difference between x and xx and xxx? Is there a hierarchy where Xx is more loving than xx? Are there rules I don’t know about? The only thing I’m sure of is four or more just means drunk or slightly mad.

When my son started school, I suddenly had contact with a whole new set of parents. I’ve had to learn what all of their ‘x’ preferences are so I can mimic them and all I know for sure is that the dads never give a ‘x’. Whereas only a few mums are zero-kiss people and obviously I assume they despise me.

I would just really love some uniformity for all this; some rules. Until then, I think I might adopt the American xoxoxo, meaning kisses and hugs. I much prefer a hug to a kiss so I’m just going to end all my written exchanges like this:

o

Which is going to confuse my Swedish lovers even more.

Enough about me. What about you? Here’s the Bit Weird, Quite Normal poll.

RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK’S POLL

I asked how you felt when sent a replacement bank card.

64% said horrified.

7% said elated.

29% said indifferent.

I’m quite normal!