These letters, numbers and shapes are superior

But I don't know why.

An audio version is available here for paying subscribers.

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When cutting sandwiches, from most to least posh it goes:

• Four little triangles

• Two big triangles

• Rectangles (Cut widthways obviously. Lengthways is insanity.)

• Not cutting at all. Just a big slab to be attacked by an uncouth mouth.

This is the generally accepted truth. When it comes to bread, triangles are superior to rectangles. If you get toast or sandwiches from a hotel, café or restaurant you expect triangles. I’d assume that anything rectangular was for a farm hand who was going to wrap them in a checked cloth and tie them to the end of a stick. 

But am I doing this diagonal cutting at home? Even though I know it’s fancier? No, I’m not. It just seems too treaty. I can’t bring myself to do it. My knife hovers over the corner until a voice in my head says, ‘You’re not good enough.’ And I move to the centre again.

Here is the top nine 2D geometric shape hierarchy that nobody asked for:

1. Circle

2. Triangle

3. Square

4. Pentagon

5. Octagon

6. Hexagon

7. Rectangle

8. Decagon

9. Parallelogram

Argue with me in the comments section if you must, but I think I’ve got it right.

There can also be no denying that A, B and C are the top dogs of the alphabet. When I’m booking plane tickets there is no doubt in my mind that the ABC seats are superior to DEF. As the first letters, they are the head honchos of the alphabet. That’s just the way it is. I’d never questioned it until my friend said to me,

“You know the alphabet? It doesn’t have to be in that order. There’s no reason for that order.“

And she’s right. It’s not like numbers. The order of numbers makes perfect sense. But with the alphabet, there’s no logic behind the way it goes from A to Z. I get why it needs an order. I need to be able to run through it and not miss any out when I’m trying to remember someone’s name.

But seriously, how long has it been around for? 5000 years? Should we not be giving some other letters a turn to head it up? I’m starting to resent these unelected overlords. A and B have even got the word alphabet named after them. What about J? He gets completely overlooked. (He’s definitely a he).

The fact is there other better letters. There’s the futuristic letter X. The down-to-earth, dependable R. The perky fun-loving N. The very feminine, flirty M.

We’d have to change the alphabet song but that’s no bad thing. It’s not a great song. Mainly because it’s the same tune as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star AND Baa Baa Black Sheep. Get your own melody alphabet! When I see what George Harrison went through with My Sweet Lord being similar to a song by The Chiffons. And Ed Sheeran being in court every other week. It’s just not fair.

Yes, a few dictionaries will need to be reprinted. But we’re getting to the stage where paper dictionaries are only really used on Countdown. They’re mostly used digitally now so the order is irrelevant.

The only people it really affects are companies that named themselves AA Cleaning or AAA Taxis to get in the first bit of the Yellow Pages. But that feels outdated now too.

As you can see, I’m weirdly okay with triangles being superior to rectangles but not standing for it with ABC. I am, however, fine with vowels being more deluxe and premium than consonants. It’s just a fact of life that they are more high-end and exclusive. And I won’t entertain the idea that they’re needy and irritating wanting to get in on nearly every word.

Another undeniable fact is that even numbers are better than odd ones. Although I’m okay with anything that ends in a five. It’s the ones that end in 3, 7 or 9 that I find the least attractive. My house number ends in one of these lesser numbers and I did think twice before moving there.

My five-year-old son is learning about odd and even numbers at school and I wondered if this preference was innate in us. I asked which he liked better, odd or even numbers. Without hesitation, he said even. I asked him why but I won’t repeat that as it made no sense. Because of course, it doesn’t make any sense. I tried to really pin down why 2, 4 and 6 are ‘better’ than 3, 7 and 9. Here are the thoughts that drifted into my head: They are the right numbers. (What?) They’re just nicer. (What? What?) They are tidier. (What? What? What?)

Maybe it’s just the negativity of the name. Nobody wants to be called odd. Or maybe it’s that there’s one left out when you divide them. So I see a clique within the odd number which is being mean and excluding one of them. Perhaps that’s why I hate them.

The weirdest thing of all is that I hate the idea of a hierarchy. I’d love a classless society. Yet I’m sorry, but odd numbers, rectangles and consonants need to know their place in the world.

Incidentally, the lowest I can charge paying subscribers on this platform is £3.50 a month. But I got around it by charging £4 and then giving everyone 50% off. Obviously, I could have made it £1.75 a month but that’s an odd number. Don’t let the fact you have to pay more because I don’t like odd numbers put you off. To keep this going, I need paid subscribers. So if you can afford £2 every 28 to 31 days, here’s a little button for you.