Why I hate surprises

And what they do to your brain.

An audio version is available here for paying subscribers.

The Saturday before my 30th birthday, I sat in my flat thinking about how much I didn’t want to go out that night to the birthday party for Robin, a friend of my then-boyfriend. I complained bitterly and got ready in a very half-hearted way, not bothering to wash my hair or wear anything special. I’d basically made no effort and was going under duress.

It was during a time in my life when I worked on a radio breakfast show and had to be up at 3:30am every day. I was very, very tired. All the time. Like permanent jet lag. I wanted to go to bed at 9pm every night. My job was a dream come true but my enthusiasm for my social life was not.

But to my credit, like the hero I am, I went. I got on the tube with my boyfriend and headed out into the night. With plans to stay for two drinks and sneak off home.

As we walked in, here’s what went through my head and in this order:

Why is Tim from work here and looking at me excitedly? He doesn’t know Robin. Why is he here?

Hold on, there are lots of people from my work here. And lots of my other friends. What is happening? This is weird.

Everybody in this bar is looking at me smiling and I know all of them, all from different times in my life. I must be losing my mind. I’ve finally gone insane.

Run. Now.

My brain just couldn’t process what was happening. I went into flight mode. I just wanted to leave. But I didn’t. I used all the heroism I had left to not just turn and flee. My boyfriend was now repeatedly saying into my ear, “It’s for you. The party is for you.”

This new information brought with it a new, no less disturbing thought. Which was: if this party is for me, oh my god, I’m going to have to stay to the end. You can’t leave your own party early. And I can’t just hide in the corner. I’m going to have to talk to everyone. And I didn’t wash my hair!

If you’re thinking about organising a surprise party for anyone, think carefully.

Once my brain had adapted to this new situation though, I was fine. In fact, I loved my party. I loved that those closest to me liked me enough to go to the effort of organising it. I loved that people I knew had bothered to come to it. It’s laughable now that I approach my 50^th birthday that I’d have enough friends to fill a bar. I was really very touched and had a great night.

But that first half an hour was bad. As I hate surprises. I really struggle with any changes in a plan. The change could be something better. Way better. Like we’re not going to the supermarket, we’re flying to that Bahamas island where you can swim with pigs! And my first thought would be - oh god no!

A surprise holiday is perhaps the worst surprise. I need to know something like that in advance so I can mentally prepare myself and write a packing list and check the weather and pack my bag. And also enjoy the anticipation. Why take that bit away from someone? The brightening of the weeks before with the excitement of it.

Not all surprises are bad though. I overheard the end of a phone call my boyfriend was having yesterday, which was the words, “Thank you for your quote. That’s great. Bye.” And I thought, what if he’s surprising me with a deep clean of the flat? That I would love! But if it’s a surprise weekend away in Paris - no thanks!

The surprises I hate are the ones that disrupt my routine and expectations in any serious way. It’s like I’ve got really stiff and painful gears that need a lot of time and effort to change and then get going.

So a surprise visit - no! I need a week to clean the whole flat and plan some light conversation. But a surprise cake when no food was expected - yes, please!

I equally hate when you are forewarned of a surprise but don’t know what this will be. In fact, this might be worse. As you’ve got the added anticipatory anxiety plus it will never be as good as what your imagination conjured up. (Swimming with pigs in The Bahamas.)

Here’s why surprises are bad

1. You feel out of control. I need control. At all times. (My partner loves this, obviously.)

2. You don’t get to properly consent to it. You’re put on the spot and presented with something that’s supposed to be lovely so you have to agree. This is why surprise proposals, especially public ones, are so problematic to me.

3. You’ve not been able to prepare mentally and also in terms of stuff that needs to be done.

Why some people hate surprises

My research on all this led me to Tania Luna. She used to hate surprises (just like me!) and became very interested in them (just like me!) and now heads a team of Surpisologists who create surprises for people (not like me at all!).

She says that whether you like them or not, your brain reacts in the same way when surprised. It freezes very briefly for a 1/25^th of a second followed by your emotions intensifying by as much as 400%. You then need to shift your expectations of that moment and it’s actually the feeling of being wrong about what is going to happen next that some people find so hard. But, she argues, you should relish that moment of being wrong as you’re learning something new. She urges us to feel wonder instead as surprises make your life better.

I don’t like to disagree with the world’s only surprises expert. But I was interested that she is the co-founder of the only company in the world which specialises in surprises. Maybe the only company for a reason, I thought to myself. Then I looked it up and couldn’t help noticing that the website had closed down. Less demand for surprises than they thought perhaps. Or maybe someone threw a surprise party for her thirtieth and she legged it in horror.

Enough about me, what about you?

Tell me your stories of surprises gone wrong in the comments below. (Upgrade to paid to join in the chat - it’s £2 a month.)

And tell me where you stand with surprises in the poll.